Unicorn Weekend
by Nocturnal Smile
Summary: Watanuki is altered by an object in Yuuko's storeroom, so he and Doumeki have to go on a journey to fix it- which Watanuki hates. Really, the only thing worse then having ears and a tail would be Doumeki suddenly admitting that he loved him! DouWata.
1. The Idiocy Begins

Hope you guys enjoy! It's sort of my own twist on "get sent on a mission and fall in love" and Watanuki becoming part animal. If you've read the title, you can probably guess what he is. It's probably obvious, but this story did start off as crack and then decided to get a plot.

Warnings: The beginnings of yaoi, but not much else in this chapter. The heavier stuff comes later. Oh, and Doumeki's perverted visions. Because he is so undressing Watanuki with his eyes.

Disclaimer: Don't own. Thank your god I don't.

* * *

_The unicorn, a creature so pure and beautiful it drove many to tears, quietly nosed its way out of its forest home. It had lived there contentedly, if not happily, for years, but now it sensed its presence was required elsewhere. With a deep breath, it stepped out of the protective line of trees and into the world._

_

* * *

_It was probably a misunderstanding, but that didn't stop Doumeki from getting his hopes up. It was ridiculous to think that they were talking about what he was thinking, but then again, stranger things had happened, right?

"Watanuki's horny!" shouted Mokona.

Okay, probably not.

"Horny Watanuki, horny Watanuki!" echoed Maru and Moro, right as Doumeki slid the door open and stepped on the back porch to join everyone else in Yuuko's bizarre shop, where apparently previously pure and innocent boys like Watanuki somehow became horny.

Taken out of context, that could sound really terrible.

In context, that sounded really terrible.

Doumeki's eyes fell on the currently spazzing Watanuki, who was doing his customary flapping dance of denial, accompanied by screams and insults. As usual.

Only there was something not usual. If Doumeki had three guesses (and the first two don't count), he would probably say the unusual occurrence is the huge thing jutting out from Watanuki. By thing, Doumeki means a horn. From his forehead. It was just… there. Bobbing up and down every time Watanuki jerked his head, which meant it was bobbing up and down a lot.

Of course, thought Doumeki dejectedly. It would make more sense for Watanuki to be horny by actually growing a horn out of his forehead than by being aroused like everyone else.

"I swear, if you don't turn me back to normal! You always do things like this, Yuuko, and-"

"Oi."

"My name is not 'Oi'!" yelled the boy with a horn attached to his forehead.

"I leave you alone for an hour and you're already in trouble," Doumeki sighed. Well, it wasn't really a sigh since he hadn't changed his tone at all, but for Doumeki it was. Really. You're going to have to trust us on this one.

Doumeki plugged his ears and silently demanded an answer form Yuuko while Watanuki squawked and flailed at him.

Yuuko smiled and delicately inhaled smoke from her pipe. "It seems our Watanuki has been blessed by an item in my storeroom."

"Blessed! How is this blessed!" Watanuki angrily demanded, arms waving and tail swishing indignantly, and- hold on. When did that get there?

Looking closer, Doumeki could see that aside from the horn, Watanuki also had a pair of horse ears where his human ones had been, and a horse tail. Well, if you factor in the horn, a unicorn tail and ears, but it really amounted to the same thing. All three were a pearl white, and seemed to glimmer in the late afternoon sun.

"Hm. You really are a horse."

"I'm not a horse, I'm a unicorn! I mean, I'm not that either, but- dammit stop trying to confuse me!"

"Why would I bother trying if you do such a good job of it yourself?"

Doumeki wondered how he got all that energy as he plugged his ears once again to keep out the barrage that was Watanuki's wrath.

"So, what happened?" Doumeki asked Yuuko.

"Stop ignoring me!"

"Oh, I told him not to touch a certain artifact, but you know how rebellious my little Watanuki is! He just went ahead and grabbed it."

"You threw it at me!" Watanuki protested loudly. Very loudly. Doumeki wondered if he could get him to reach that volume during other activities, and if said activities could involve a bed. Or a kitchen table. Or a wall. Even the floor would be fine, Doumeki wasn't feeling picky. Well, moving on to other topics that were less likely to make him embarrass himself in front of others.

"Then, from that single touch it decided it liked Watanuki so much it was going to stay with him forever!" Yuuko accompanied that statement with a giggle and childishly clapped her hands together.

"FOREVER!" Watanuki wailed. Doumeki raised an eyebrow.

Yuuko's face suddenly became solemn. "You should have listened to me when I told you not to touch the horn, Watanuki. You are cursed to have this appearance for the rest of your life."

"B-but, this wasn't my fault! And didn't you say this was a blessing? I can't be like this for the rest of my life!"

"Oh, you won't be."

"I… What? You just said I was."

"I lied. I like messing with you. Now go forth and fetch me more sake!" Yuuko ordered cheerily.

"Why would I go get you even more sake, you lush! There's no way I would!" Watanuki screamed as he got up to do exactly what he said he wouldn't.

"Get some ohagi while you're at it," interjected Doumeki.

"Yay! More sake and ohagi!" Mokona cried happily (with two matching echoes, courtesy of Maru and Moro).

"Get it yourself!" the cook shrieked, but went to make it anyways.

* * *

_The unicorn encountered a great amount of sights and people even stranger and more exotic than itself, and visited lovely places where the hand of man had not touched nor heard his voice and other lands where man's reach had grown farther than the sky. Best of all though, the unicorn made many new friends to help it on it's journey. They loved the unicorn dearly and always treated it with the highest of respect, combing his seafoam mane and brushing his snow white tail, and they made chains of daffodils to crown him with as they pranced through fields filled with heather and wildflowers._

_

* * *

_Doumeki sat down next to Yuuko and helped himself to some sake. "How do we change him back?"

Yuuko sipped the last of her sake thoughtfully. "Right now, it looks as though he has something he shouldn't. Returning it to the owner should work, if the owner wants it back."

"What if it doesn't?"

"Then things could be problematic, couldn't they?" Yuuko said with her mysterious smile.

Doumeki's forehead furrowed as he frowned. What was she up to? She was the one woman in his life who was so hard to read.

A crash was heard from the kitchen, followed by muffled curses. Doumeki turned to face that direction, one eyebrow raised. Watanuki was usually graceful in there (and nowhere else), what was going on?

Yuuko laughed. "Sounds like Watanuki is still getting used to moving around with his new additions." She called out a little louder, "Try not to bang that horn of yours into the cabinets, Watanuki!"

"It's a little late for that!" he snarled, bursting through the door.

"I'm back! You'd better get down on your hands and knees to thank me for this sumptuous gift, Doumeki! It was even harder than usual!"

Doumeki choked mid-bite, then told himself to stop being such a pervert. It was bad enough when he thought of things like that, but now it was making Yuuko grin at him with an infernal twinkle in her eye that could only mean trouble.

"I think it'd be better to see you in that position, idiot." Huh, that whole not being a pervert thing was harder than it sounded. Why did his 'love interest' have to make it so easy?

Completely missing the innuendo, Watanuki archly replied, "I'd never get down on my hands and knees! Especially not for you! And I'm not an idiot! Stop stuffing your face and answer me!"

"Boys," Yuuko said, interrupting their struggle. Well, Watanuki's struggle. Doumeki was sort of just sitting there letting the spaz shake him while he ate.

"Tomorrow I'll send you out to find the owner of this item."

"So it'll be removed?" Watanuki chirped hopefully.

"That depends on you," Yuuko smiled in the same way a cat does in the presence of a flightless bird, "but you need to know that I wasn't entirely lying earlier. If you fail, there really will be no way to turn you back."

It was these statements that cast a solemn note on the entire evening, causing everyone to eat quietly and ponder the events that might transpire tomorrow.

Yeah. As if.

"Doumeki, you bastard!"

"Get some fried tofu."

"Gyahhh! I don't know why Himawari-chan puts up with you! I don't know why _I_ put up with you! You always just eat and eat and sit there stupidly saying nothing except get more food!"

And so on.

* * *

_The unicorn eventually met a beautiful and chaste maiden, and at once put its head in her lap, entranced by her charm and loveliness. _

_

* * *

_"Like hell! Pure and chaste? Yuuko's nothing like that!" Watanuki protested, tail fully bushed and hissing like a wet cat.

* * *

_This maiden, as pure as the unicorn itself, humbly asked if it could grant her one favor-_

_

* * *

_"One? One! I'm lucky if she only asks for one in an hour! She's a slave driver!"

"Really Watanuki, I'd like to think I'm not that bad. I've always been perfectly fair, haven't I?"

"Sure, except for the part where you make crazy requests and don't tell me anything, then keep sending me to get you more liquor!"

* * *

_Ahem. You mind? I'd sort of like to continue here._

_

* * *

_"Why bother? It's all wrong, isn't it?"

* * *

_It's an accompaniment to the main story. It's supposed to be metaphorical and stuff, not correct._

_

* * *

_"Anything that even hints at Yuuko being nice is just all wrong." Watanuki grumbled.

* * *

_Tough luck. If it bothers you so much, maybe I'll just skip ahead to the good parts! -So the gallant and stoic knight conquered the unicorn and rode him off into the sunrise, their pace never slowing and never tiring. _

_

* * *

_Doumeki spit his sake back into the cup, a flood of inappropriate images (all featuring a certain spirit-attracting teen) rushed through his mind, currently located in the gutter.

Yuuko was trying and failing to muffle her laughter.

"…I don't get it." Watanuki muttered, glaring at everyone.

"It's okay, Watanuki. We'll tell you when you're older." Yuuko snickered.

* * *

_Yeah, and while you're waiting for that to happen, I'll get the saddle and reins while Doumeki gets the spurs. See ya!_

_

* * *

_Mokona pounded Doumeki on the back. The archer had inexplicably started choking and losing blood from the nose area at the same time. It was the strangest thing, absolutely no one could figure out how that one happened.

Doumeki managed to get himself back under control. Barely. Some of those images were pretty hard to pass up. He especially liked the one where he wasn't doing the riding, and Watanuki was red-faced and blushing, lifting himself up and down to increase their pleasure… Stopping now.

"I'm still lost, but I get the feeling I should be angry at all of you."

"Don't be! If you're confused, I'm sure Doumeki wouldn't mind giving you a demonstration!" Yuuko informed, her smile undeniably mischievous.

Remember that line about Doumeki being back under control? You may as well forget about it.

"I don't need Doumeki's help! Especially… Um. Hey, Doumeki, are you going to be okay?" Watanuki asked, uncharacteristically worried about him. There was a lot of blood, after all.

"Fine." Doumeki grunted.

"Because it would be a hassle if you died. Himawari-chan might be sad."

"Would you be?"

"Huh?"

"Would you be sad if I died?"

"Eh! What sort of question is that!"

"Answer it."

He scratched the back of his neck nervously. "Um… Well, it's not like I'd be ecstatic if you did…"

"Watanuki."

"I- yes, okay, you big, stupid oaf!"

"Ah. That's good then."

"Only a smidgeon! Just a little! So small you can't see it with the naked eye! On the molecular level! That's how much I'd miss you if you died!"

"I'd miss you a lot if you went away."

"What, you'd miss my cooking or my 'funny expressions'?"

"No."

"…"

"…"

"Usually, you explain what you'd miss. You aren't going to insult me?"

Doumeki looked up from his spot on the ground, straight into Watanuki's eyes. "I'd miss you."

"You… said that already."

"I know. Idiot."

"Hey!"

"You really are an idiot."

"You two really get along so well," Yuuko chuckled.

"Noooo! Why do all females get it wrong?"

Doumeki continued eating, and apart from another tail and a horn, things weren't all that different. Whether that was a good or bad thing was hard to say at this point.

* * *

Yeah, this so wasn't a shameless excuse to have Mokona call Watanuki horny. Anyways, this is usually the part where the author asks for reviews, but I've decided not to do that. Really, you guys don't have to worry about it at all. I'm telling you not to. (Is the reverse psychology working?) XD


	2. Triangles Are Bad Shapes

A/N: Chapter 2 of what will probably be four, though that's not a definite number. Uh, hope you guys enjoy this one as much as you enjoyed the first!

Disclaimer: Don't own. If I did, it would not be nearly half as cool, but Doumeki and Watanuki would totally be trying to imitate rabbits. No, I don't mean they'd dress up. Unless you're into that, in which case, have fun imagining it. I won't stop you. Actually, Watanuki could totally pull off bunny ears, but Doumeki? not so much. Anyways, the only thing I do own is Carlos. Because every good fanfiction needs at least one flaming Latino homosexual.

* * *

"So, where are we headed?" Watanuki questioned after setting out breakfast.

Doumeki inhaled his meal first, then responded. "Weren't you listening yesterday? We're heading east."

"What? No one said that! Stupid Doumeki, making up things to make himself look good…" The grumbling continues on for a couple more sentences, but everyone had pretty much stopped listening after that point.

The archer shrugged. "We were told to head into the sunrise, which is east. Even kids know that, idiot."

"I am not an idiot! Argh! You're impossible!" yowled Watanuki.

"Boys, don't you think it's a little too early in the morning to be flirting?" Yuuko chuckled.

Watanuki turned pale enough to match his tail, right before his entire face decided that it would rather emulate a tomato, thank you very much. "Flirting!!!? With, with-" Frantic hand motions were made in Doumeki's direction. Apparently, the words 'flirting' and 'Doumeki' did not exist in the same sentence for a certain someone. "Blech! No! Not possible! Bad thoughts, Yuuko, bad thoughts!" The same certain someone wailed, while flailing as much as humanly possible.

"At least it's not bad touches," Doumeki pointed out around a mouthful of Watanuki's delicious food.

Watanuki choked on his own saliva. He pounded on his chest, hacking. "WHAT!!? Bad- Why would you be giving me bad touches!? No, wait, why would you even think about giving me bad touches!?"

Doumeki decided it might be a smart move to just shove something in his mouth and stop talking. This conversation could get a little close for comfort. Admitting he would miss the idiot, fine, explaining why he wanted to touch in ways most people would consider indecent (and in some fantasies, physically impossible), not so fine.

Strangely enough, it was Yuuko that saved him from explaining. "That's not what he said, Watanuki."

"Eh? Yes it is. I heard him say, 'at least it's not bad touches'."

"Yes, but that could also imply that you would be the one doing horribly perverted things to Doumeki." Yuuko had a slightly glazed look on her face, and Doumeki did not want to know what daydream she was having to put that smile on her face. Or give her a nosebleed. Really. The constant battles with angry spirits hadn't given him nightmares, he didn't want to chance it with this.

Watanuki's jaw dropped. "I'd never! Why would you even say that!?"

"Well, look at it from an outsider's point of view, Watanuki. If one of you was going to molest the other, it would probably be you doing it. Doumeki's the school president, an honors student, champion and captain of the archery team, and you're…" Yuuko, in one of her rare moments of kindness, did not finish the sentence. "Well, anyways, most people would chase after Doumeki!"

Watanuki stared at her blankly. "What were you going to say?"

Doumeki snorted. "You would latch onto that part."

"Well, she didn't finish her sentence! What were you going to say about me?"

"Don't even bother. She's just trying to mess with you again."

"But Doumeki, it's so much fun!"

"Augh! Always Yuuko, always making fun of me!"

Yuuko giggled and reached across the table to pinch his cheek. "It's because I lurv you, Watanuki!"

"I don't need that kind of love!" You'd think it would have occurred to him that maybe flailing while someone has a firm grip on your cheek might not have been the best of ideas. Well, some ice might help the swelling go down.

"What sort of love do you need?" Doumeki cut in.

"Eh? Um, love that doesn't always end up with me being the butt of jokes? I'd like a sweet love where the other person is always considerate and cute, like Himawari-chan! Certainly nothing like you!" Watanuki ended his rant by pointing vehemently at Doumeki as if by pointing hard enough he could make the other boy disappear. He was disappointed.

"Sounds like you're describing yourself more than Himawari-chan."

Watanuki swung his arm out to protest (because arm motions are necessary in all protests. Of course they are.) and accidentally knocked the syrup over, spilling it and staining his shirt. Luckily, this cut off his next rant against The Injustices and Idiocies of Doumekis, catalogued under file F, paragraph 132. "Ack! Aw, and this was my last clean shirt!"

Yuuko chuckled knowingly. It was like her usual chuckles, but more obnoxious. "You shouldn't have mentioned Himawari, Watanuki. Fortunately for you, I have something that might just fit you."

"How did we get here?" Watanuki asked, looking around at the rolling grasslands from the white brick road they were standing on. There was a helpful little sign next to them pointing east.

"…" Doumeki responded informatively.

"…You know, sometimes I just hate you beyond all words," Watanuki muttered hatefully, his hateful insults fueled by the awesome power of his hate.

Doumeki raised an eyebrow. "I still can't believe you let her talk you into wearing that."

"Shut up!" Watanuki screeched. He couldn't really argue with Doumeki for once. Even though he had been there, he still wasn't sure how Yuuko had talked him into wearing this shirt.

Watanuki was currently wearing a pink shirt. A _neon_ pink shirt. A _skin-tight_ neon pink shirt. The skin-tight neon pink shirt had a picture of a unicorn on it. Underneath the picture of the unicorn (on the skin-tight neon pink shirt, if you've forgotten) was the caption, of all things horrible and ironic (and that made Doumeki fearful for the privacy of his mind), was "I'm Horny." At this point in time, it might have been a little more accurate if it said, "I'm So Mortified I Would Very Much Like It If Someone Would Put Me Out of My Misery, Or If You're Feeling Really Generous, Put This Doumeki Next To Me Out of My Misery. Thanks. I Also Really, Really, Really, Really Hate Puns and The People Who Make Them. And Yuuko. And Doumeki Especially, Because This is Somehow His Fault. See Above For Appropriate Action Towards Said Doumeki."

Except it would be hard to fit all that on a shirt.

Watanuki was willing to give it a shot.

"I think we skipped a scene break. I wonder where that narrator ran off to?" Watanuki wondered out loud as he started walking east.

"I hope it comes back soon," Doumeki replied, thinking about it's wonderful promises of saddles, spurs, gags, and maybe…

"Yeah, me too. Switching from scene to scene without any warning is kind of irritating."

Doumeki's face reddened. So what if he had thought at first that maybe Watanuki wanted the narrator to return for the same reasons he did? Well, maybe some good could come of this.

"You know, if you really hate that shirt," he got a glare from Watanuki that neatly expressed all his loathing for the shirt, equal almost to the disdain he directed towards Doumeki, "you should take it off."

"What, and go around half-naked!?"

"Yes." Yes, you should. Right now. Baby steps. We can work our way up to full nakedness eventually.

Doumeki tried very hard not to look too eager. Since his face was not used to showing emotion, this was actually way easier than it sounds. Well, easier for him than most other people who are suddenly presented with the chance to see Watanuki almost naked with no one else around to partake of this most sought after sight.

So Doumeki thought.

"Hola!" shouted a man with a bronzed tan skipping towards them. "My name's Carlos. It's a pleasure to meet you, señors."

"Eh? Do you know us?" Watanuki asked. Doumeki said nothing. His Danger to Watanuki Senses™ were tingling.

"Yes, Yuuko sent me. You must be Señor Watanuki," Carlos purred, taking Watanuki's hand and kissing the back, making Watanuki blush and stutter. "Yuuko forgot to mention how lovely you are… and how gorgeous your horn is."

Doumeki's Danger to Watanuki Senses™ said screw tingling, we're going to Full On Red Alert Mode! The sound of sirens and alarms inexplicably filled Doumeki's head for the next few minutes, explaining why he missed the next part of the conversation.

"Doumeki!" The alarms suddenly stopped. Watanuki looked happy. "Yuuko sent him along with us (after sending us here, which is apparently somewhere near the real unicorn) because he's looking for the unicorn too! So I'll have someone else to talk to besides you!"

"Sí. It is my wish. Though I feel as if I got the better deal out of this, after seeing my traveling companion."

Watanuki smiled blithely, his blush receded but still present. "Well, thanks. Nice of you to say that."

Battle stations online! Target sighted!

Doumeki really needed to stop reading so many historical fiction comics.

"Traveling companions. Since you seem to have missed it, there's two of us. And I don't remember agreeing to travel with you."

Carlos smiled in a way that did not reassure Doumeki whatsoever. "My mistake," Carlos glanced back at Watanuki in the middle of his talk, then down. Slowly. Irritatingly. "I merely assumed since we were sent by the same person who told us to head the same way to the same thing, it would make sense to travel together." He started working his gaze back up. "I must say this though, that shirt suits you very nicely, Watanuki."

Watanuki self-conciously moved to cover himself. "This!? This- no, this is- Yuuko, you see, she made me… Wait, you said it looked nice?"

"On you. Not many could pull off that look as," Carlos paused here to stare intently at Watanuki's chest, "magnificently as you have. Though, to be honest, as good as that shirt look on you, I think it would look better on my floor."

Oh dear God. Doumeki was going to commit murder.

"…Is your floor usually messy?"

Well, he would have, except Watanuki really was that dense. Carlos could try all he wanted with his stupid fake accent and hand slobbering, but he wouldn't be able to seduce Watanuki.

Not that he wasn't going to get punished. Doumeki was the only one who could stare intently for minutes on end at Watanuki('s chest), thank you very much!

Or something like that.

"Oh, I can be very _dirty_." Carlos exhaled close to Watanuki's ear.

Watanuki was unsure why Carlos had to get that close to tell him that. Maybe he was embarrassed of his bad habits? He was acting a little strangely.

Speaking of acting strangely, Doumeki was too. He kept clenching his fists and muttering things like _kill kill kill wee-ooooo weeeeee-ooooo kill_. Was he trying to imitate a siren…?

Maybe this could be blackmail material. Watanuki smiled at the thought.

Both of the other men completely misunderstood his smile.

'No! How can he actually like such an obvious pick-up line!!!? Is that the way I should have tried to get him?' Doumeki panicked.

'I knew no one could resist such a fresh and brand new come-on like that! I've still got it!' Carlos inwardly cheered.

"Anways, we should probably get going. It's almost noon. Man, we've been talking for ages!" Watanuki exclaimed.

The trio set off down the road, still bickering, attempting to flirt, and basically being naïve to all innuendos. They were fun times, just not for anyone involved.

* * *

_The unicorn loved pure and chaste maidens, and let them braid daisies and beautiful flowers into his mane, and they played games of chase and hide and go seek after their afternoon tea (two scoops of sugar, a dash of cream, and a couple anchovies). They fawned over him and adoringly petted his head as he rested it in their laps and complimented his eyes. They were like dewdrops and lakes in the middle of summer, placidly gorgeous and sparkling like diamonds and portals to an otherworld nexus containing the benevolent demons of Slashtopia, who were a kinky bunch (but only behind closed door and mostly on Saturday nights) and where the paddles were plentiful and never broken and the saddles were always on freaking sale and not unbelievably expensive and-_

_

* * *

_

"Oh, it's you. Can't say I'm glad you're back. And what was with all that?"

"…You couldn't get a saddle?" Doumeki sounded as close to heartbroken as he ever had.

"Aye caramba! A bodiless voice!" Carlos was pretty much ignored.

* * *

_Yeah, well, shut up. I got bored. It's not a crime. The prices for saddles these days, on the other hand- Oh, don't even get me started! _

* * *

"You know what? I don't care. Unless there's food involved, I'm not listening anymore."

The other two silently agreed. They had been walking and lusting after Watanuki all morning, and that was hard work. The walking, that is. Lusting after him had become a lot like breathing. It could also make the walking more difficult than it needed to be.

Oh, and it made them hungry.

* * *

_Food? I'll tell you where it is if you promise me a little something. Up ahead over the next hill there are two girls with more food then they could possibly eat. Unless they're secretly pigs. That's happened before. Oh, and beware of foreshadowing and stuff._

* * *

"Well, seeing as how you just told us where it is, we don't really need to do whatever favor you're asking for, do we Mr. Bodiless Voice?" Carlos asked slyly.

* * *

…

_Yeah. You could be a jerk like that. Bitch._

_Anyways, my favor was to ask if you guys could eat off one another._

* * *

Carlos stood up straighter and placed a hand over his heart. "It is my pride as a Spaniard to honor any and all promises I have made. I will complete this task to the best of my ability." He, well, he did this thing with his eyes at Watanuki. If you asked Carlos, he was giving the pale young beauty smoking bedroom eyes. Doumeki would have said he was leering like a perverted stalker. "Will you help me in this mission, Beautiful?"

Doumeki thought the cheesy nickname was overdoing it. So was him reaching out and caressing Watanuki's horn, and moving his hand up and down. And up and down. Watanuki's eyes fluttered and he made what almost sounded like a whimper.

Wait.

Go back.

-Watanuki's eyes fluttered and he whimpered needily-

Yes! I mean, no. No. Go back a little further.

Carlos caressed Watanuki's horn.

I see. That's what I thought happened.

Doumeki was known for coming up with unconventional solutions to problems when he was working as a school president. This situation wasn't all that different.

Doumeki punched Carlos in the face.

Sure, he could have asked him to let go of (his) Watanuki, but this was ever so much more satisfying. Carlos fell to the ground.

He did not get up.

"Oh my God! I think you killed him!" Apparently, seeing Doumeki commit violence was enough to wipe away any thought of what feelings Carlos had evoked by touching his horn until later. Although they had felt nice. No, stop thinking about that. Try and focus on the man bleeding on your shoe.

Ewwww….

Stupid Doumeki.

"Why didn't you gore him?" Doumeki growled.

Watanuki unconsciously took a step back. "What do you mean?"

"Why didn't you put that horn of yours to good use and stab him!!?"

"Doumeki… How could you expect me to just up and stab someone with my horn!?"

"Yeah, I guess you'd like getting stabbed by Carlos's horn better?"

Watanuki looked oblivious. So, he looked the same as usual. His forehead creased in confusion. "Doumeki, Carlos doesn't have a horn. Anyways, what are we going to do about him?"

"He won't have one by the time I'm done with him," Doumeki muttered under his breath.

"Eh?"

"Leave him."

"We can't just-"

"We are." Doumeki grabbed Watanuki's wrist, dragging him farther along the path. The more distance between Watanuki and Carlos, the better.

* * *

Right, finished this at three in the morning, so if there are any glaring inconsistencies, that's probably why. The alcohol might have something to do with that too (kidding). XD Hope you enjoyed!

Oh, I feel like this might be something I should explain- Carlos has been thrown in there because I love love triangles and Spanish accents. Whether it's fake or not (or whether he's actually a Spaniard) remains to be seen. He's not ending up with Watanuki unless I get spammed with reviews telling me how they were made for one another and I should totally forget about Doumeki. So everyone who supports DoumekixWatanuki should review and tell me not to subject Watanuki to Carlos's lovin'. (That should cover about everyone reading this).

But don't let that limit you, feel free to review for the usual reasons, i.e. what you liked about the story, what you want to see, that you hate me and my story and we should go to Hell together, suggestions, and of course the most common one, a 10 page dissection and discussion on this story... I wish. XD

Next time: Will Carlos rise from the dead and bring a bunch of other gay zombies with him? Will Watanuki take off his shirt and give Doumeki a lap dance? Will we finally find out who's the mother of Mokona's baby? Will the narrator realize that without a body, the saddle isn't much good? Find out next update!


	3. Piggy Piggy

A/N: I'm very sorry, please try not to hold this delay against me too much. Real life and severe writer's block got in the way, and my family was held captive and threatened with laser beams to the kneecaps unless I held off on writing this. No, really, it's the truth.

Anyways, after freeing them I wrote a recap for you in this chapter so you don't have to reread the last chapters! Aren't I a nice authoress? (After making you wait for months on end for this chapter, I'm thinking that question should be rhetorical. Extremely rhetorical. Don't answer that, please.)

Disclaimer: What? The new chapter of xxxHolic features Doumeki in a banana suit! Mokona's teaching Watanuki how to pole dance? Yuuko is… being Yuuko? As if. Don't own, never will. Also don't own any of the songs mentioned in here, though I do own the Situation Music Machine.

Speaking of the latest chapter, is everyone up to date? Holy crap, it's like the pairing's finally canon now. Clamp is torturing us. I've never seen one group do so much teasing. D:

Warning: Some cursing, some parts of the story that aren't as cheery. Don't get me wrong, there'll still be comedy, there just might actually be serious parts for once. Don't worry, I'm weirded out too. I think the right name for it is dramedy.

_

* * *

Last time on Unicorn Weekend:_

"_Doumeki, what do you think of my coconut bra?" Watanuki asked nervously._

"_I think it goes well with your grass skirt. What do you think of this loincloth I made?" replied Doumeki._

"_It's nice!" Watanuki told him brightly, completely breaking character. "Do you think there's anyone else on this island? Maybe the other half of the plane survived."_

"_No, there probably aren't any others. I guess we're all alone—"_

"_Hola! I'm one of the Others!" Carlos greeted them happily, his own grass skirt rustling in the breeze, highlighting his tanned skin. His long black hair was slicked back since he was inexplicably soaking wet. His tan skin glistened sinfully in the bright sun, water droplets tracing delectable trails over the muscles in his bared chest._

_Doumeki cursed under his breath._

* * *

"Has the author really sunk low enough that she's making Lost references now?" Watanuki asked snippily.

"…" Doumeki said in response, too occupied with the thought of Watanuki in a coconut bra and skirt.

"Did I do something to her? Because all I've done recently is try and walk over this hill right after you became a murderer, which I don't think is a reason to continue hey! Are you listening to me! Hey, bastard!"

"No." Doumeki deadpanned, plugging his ears, preparing in advance for the tirade that sure to follow. Any minute now. Now would be a good time.

…

Why were there no unnecessarily dramatic hand motions of rage? Doumeki looked over at Watanuki and unplugged his ears. Watanuki was looking straight ahead, peering intently at… a banquet. A banquet?

"Food." Doumeki announced.

"Do you always have to speak in monosyllables! What the hell's the matter with you! You're always like this!" Watanuki ranted, his hands flapping in the usual aforementioned unnecessarily dramatic hand motions of undeserved rage. Good, he was back to normal.

"You're fixed," Doumeki informed his companion.

"Eh? You know what, don't even answer. Let's go see what those girls are up to."

To his surprise, Doumeki realized there were two girls seated at the banquet table. He hadn't noticed them behind the steaming platters of freshly cooked chicken and turkey, roasted quail, vegetable dishes, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, roasted potatoes, baked potatoes, twice-baked potatoes, potato soup, potato casserole, and oh look, more potatoes. He was really starting to notice a trend here. Despite it all smelling delicious, he didn't think it would be a good idea to eat any of it.

One of the girls had black hair, and the other was blonde. While they were both conventionally pretty, there was something about their faces that Doumeki didn't trust. He almost wanted to say they looked shifty, sitting there smiling at them in their pink ruffled dresses. Also, who has a banquet in the middle of a road in a grassy land that people randomly get dropped in?

"Hello!" chirped Watanuki, and judging from his friendly smile, this boy was completely not taken in by whatever façade these girls were putting up. In fact, he'd probably come to the same conclusions as Doumeki on this one. He was truly a paragon of alertness, and absolutely nothing could be slid by him. Nope, no siree. There is certainly not a single drop of sarcasm in this entire paragraph.

"Hello." The two girls spoke as one in a tone that sounded like they were attempting to be mysterious. After spending so much time with Yuuko (and just living in general), Doumeki had gotten pretty good at distinguishing who was actually mysterious and who was trying to make themselves sound more interesting. Wonder of wonders, even Watanuki had caught on. Doumeki wasn't actually sure why someone would try to sound like they knew many secrets to make themselves more appealing, because if you didn't have anything to back that up you just sounded foggy and like you were desperately trying to cover up the fact that your own life was so pathetically boring you had to make things up to avoid knocking people unconscious by your very lack of presence.

Doumeki certainly wasn't being over critical just because they were absorbing all of Watanuki's attention right now. Not at all. There is also a lack of sarcasm in this paragraph, too. Yup.

"It's nice to meet you! My name's Watanuki, and this lug is Doumeki. Feel free to ignore him if you want."

_Can you feel the love tonight?  
It is where we are._

Doumeki and Watanuki jumped when the song came on. Well, Watanuki jumped and yelped, Doumeki sort of just blinked slower than usual and looked around curiously. It's really the same thing.

The blonde girl looked surprised. "Oh! You managed to power our Situation Music Machine! It's a device we have that reads the emotions of the situation and plays the appropriate song in a manner that in no way resembles a song fic!" She gestured towards a silver disc floating a foot above the table and smiled pleasantly. Too pleasantly. Doumeki narrowed his eyes.

Her friend? sister? looked perplexed. "I think that's the first time it's ever played ironically though."

The first girl tutted. "Dear, I think you're right. I _do_ hope it's not broken."

Watanuki was interested but a little freaked out at the same time. "That's amazing! How is it doing that? Is it reading our minds?"

A few features on Doumeki's face shifted so that he could look completely panicked. A machine that read minds would be very, very bad. A machine that could read minds while he was in the presence of a Watanuki in a skin tight shirt was even worse. The archer thought something along the lines of Oh Dear, but much less polite.

"No, of course not. It just reads the situation." The brunette paused and tapped her nose thoughtfully. "Well, okay, maybe a little mind reading," she admitted. Then she looked at our heroes as if just remembering they were there, which was true enough. "I'm so sorry, how rude of us!"

"Very rude," the blonde agreed. "Please, do sit down and join us in our repast. I'm Maryanne, and this is my sister, Susanna. It's a delight to meet the both of you at last. Especially _you_." She batted her eyelashes. Watanuki suppressed the need to roll his eyes in front of these kind women, but they always were so attracted to Doumeki it was ridiculous. It made absolutely no sense and wait something's wrong. The girl, Maryanne, wasn't batting her eyelashes at the Doumeki. She was batting them at... him! Finally! A girl who had a good head on her shoulders! Not that Himawari didn't have a good head on her shoulders, it was just…

Finally, a girl who preferred him over Doumeki! Watanuki beamed at her. "No, don't worry about it." He took a seat, fully expecting Doumeki to follow suit. He didn't. Doumeki remained standing, not trusting these two girls.

_Have you heard the news?  
Bad things come in twos.  
But I never knew  
'Bout the little things._

Everyone stared at the disc. Watanuki started, "That was-"

"Ominous." Doumeki and Maryanne said at the same time. They both looked up and glared at each other.

What a convenient excuse. "If that's what it thinks of the situation, then we shouldn't take up any more of your time. We'll be on our way," Doumeki said in a tone that brooked no argument. At least, not until Susanna replied in quite the same way.

"Leave the new unicorn."

Watanuki gulped and looked between the three. Doumeki, face blank with anger, the two girls, faces pinched with something like annoyance and betrayal. Like children who've been denied the candy they asked for. It was making him nervous, and the conversation wasn't helping. What was this about a new unicorn? "Look, there must be some misunderstanding. How about we just settle down-"

"No."

"Doumeki, what's gotten into you? You're being worse than usual!"

No response. Not good. Though the fact that it was Watanuki who had to be a mediator was a pretty big tipoff.

"Get up," Doumeki ordered without looking at him. "We're leaving." Watanuki swallowed and did as requested, but the furrow in between his eyebrows was a clue that there was a confused storm stirring just underneath. "Why?"

The bespectacled teen looked troubled, and it was one of his expressions that made him utterly endearing to his fate-appointed guardian. Only someone genuinely worried about another could have that expression; it made Doumeki want to wipe away his concerns with a gentle brush of his thumbs, with his lips, no matter how cheesy it was. Not that any of this showed, it was only an integral part now of Shizuka Doumeki, kept buried deep inside, and holy hell what song was it now?

_You're just too good to be true.  
Can't take my eyes off you.  
You'd be like Heaven to touch.  
I wanna hold you so much.  
At long last love has arrived  
And I thank God I'm alive._

No. That thing was so broken. Doumeki was momentarily distracted from his Mexican standoff and tried to change the song by concentration alone.

_I wanna fuck you like an animal  
I wanna feel you from the inside  
I wanna fuck you like an animal  
My whole existence is flawed _

In retrospect, that was a terrible idea. Hopefully, no one would catch on that it was him.

Everyone was giving him strange looks. So much for that. Watanuki looked mortified and red-faced, the girls… Scary. So scary. No one should grin like that if there's that much blood dripping from their snout.

…

Snout?

Everyone else seemed to realize it the same time Doumeki did, but the two girls who had tried to act like poor imitations of Southern Belles now had pig snouts. What? Could this day get any odder? What was with all the anthropomorphic animals popping up all over the place?

* * *

_Hey guys, miss me? Remember what I said about pigs and foreshadowing? Well, yeah, tried to warn you._

_Maestro, cue the appropriate music!_

_

* * *

_The little silver disc gave a bob that gave off the impression of a salute and more music began to play. Doumeki resisted the urge to break it. He wisely decided not to dwell on how easy it was to anger him when someone threatened to show an interest in Watanuki.

_Sometimes I feel I've got to  
Run away, I've got to  
Get away  
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me_

That last line did not bode well. He and Watanuki looked at each other at the same time and, coming to an understanding in one of their rare moments of perfect silent communication, began running like track stars.

The girls followed. Of course. Except they were less like girls now, sometimes running on four legs, sometimes not, but their faces were elongating to fit their snouts, mouths beginning to drip slobber as the run took its toll, and their eyes became more squinty.

Not that Doumeki or Watanuki really saw this. Running away was their top priority at the moment, not cataloguing the changes in two creatures who possibly wanted to eat them.

Hey, it had happened before in the hotel with the women who were actually hungry birds. Watanuki sighed. Why was it that all the pretty women who were nice to him and didn't go to his school wanted to eat him or were Yuuko?

Actually, yeah, that was a question he'd like answered. He turned his head around, still running after Doumeki (darn archery star, why did he have to be so in shape, too? Shouldn't he have better balance now or something since he had a tail?). "Why are you doing this? You were so kind, why do you want to eat us?" he yelled back.

Unexpectedly, the girls stopped short and got absolutely disgusted expressions on their faces. The boys stopped too, in surprise at the sudden end to the chase. It was about this time that the two boys saw what had happened to their almost hosts. They had shrunk vertically and exploded horizontally, along with a now decidedly piggy head. Even their ears were triangular. They still stood on two feet and were in the frilly pink dresses, which clashed something awful with their new pink skin tone.

"Eat you? Where in the world would you get an idea like that?" Maryanne (she still had blonde hair) looked repulsed by the idea. That was a good sign.

"Experience?" offered Watanuki.

The pig sisters looked at one another in bemusement and back to their former guests and targets. "We aren't going to eat you," Susanna assured them.

"Oh, good, you really had us worried there for a second." Watanuki sighed in relief, bent over and trying to catch his breath. Doumeki took all his considerable will power and did not sneak a peek.

Maybe just a small one. No one had to know.

"Ugh, as if we'd ever do that. How utterly uncouth." Maryanne this time.

"Uncouth? But aren't you both-" Watanuki did not finish his sentence. He might be oblivious, but those twin glares were pretty easy to read.

"It's not like we wanted to be pigs. We wanted to be beautiful maidens, waited on hand and foot by gorgeous men who want to marry us and are secretly princes waiting to whisk us off to rule over our kingdom with an iron hoof. Erm, fist." Both sighed dreamily.

Watanuki took a step back in trepidation.

"So why were you chasing us?" Doumeki cut in.

"Yeah! That's righ- Ugh." Watanuki made a choking noise as he realized that he'd almost just agreed with the Doumeki. Whew, catastrophe avoided.

Doumeki gave him a smirk like he knew exactly what Watanuki had tried to avoid and that he wasn't getting away with it. Curses. Watanuki's tail bushed up in annoyance.

"Not both of you," Maryanne argued. "Just the unicorn."

"Okay, but why me?" Watanuki asked, having given up by now on trying to convince people that he wasn't a unicorn despite the lack of hooves, horse body, or magical powers.

"Because you're a unicorn," they chorused, as if it explained everything. To them, it probably did.

Doumeki frowned the frown of severe condescension. "You'll have to come up with a better explanation than that."

Susanna sighed. "We need to Watanuki to stay with us forever. This is one of those 'for eternity' deals."

Watanuki blinked. "I don't think that was a better explanation."

What's this? Doumeki's frown is evolving! It's-it's- A frown of face punchery! Doo-do-doo-do-doo-do-dooo!

"Because you're the unicorn, right?" Maryanne carried on where her sister left off. "Only pure and chaste maidens are around the unicorn, are allowed to be the unicorn's companions. So if we're allowed to stay with the unicorn, then that means we're beautiful maidens! See? Simple, and everyone wins. My sister and I get to be beautiful human ladies, and you get to hang around with two gorgeous women who love you. Platonically."

Doumeki raised an eyebrow. "I won't allow it. You're not dragging him into your daydream."

"Daydream?" Susanna asked coldly. "This isn't a daydream. Not here. Didn't you see us before? We were beautiful then because the unicorn was close."

Doumeki's frown didn't fade, but Watanuki grew more and more puzzled. "I don't think your logic should actually work, but for whatever reason, it did (and when did I get the power to turn pigs into women?). _She's_ involved, so I'm really not going to look too closely into it. But what do you mean, not here?"

Maryanne took over this answer. "This land's reality is… softer. At least, that's how it was explained to us by the witch."

Both boys got a sudden sense of foreboding. "Witch?" Watanuki asked weakly.

The sisters nodded. "Yuuko, the space time witch. We met her when she wandered onto our master's land looking for booze."

Doumeki pinched the bridge of his nose to lessen his sudden headache. Watanuki scowled. "That's exactly like her, that damned lush! Didn't even bother warning us, can't believe her! I bet she's laughing her head off right now." Ah, there were the flailing hands! It had been a while since Doumeki had last seen them.

* * *

As a matter of fact, Yuuko was not laughing her head off at the moment. She was on the phone. Specifically, she was on the phone with Watanuki and Doumeki's principal. "So you see, after a homeless man tried to set Watanuki on fire, Doumeki was mauled by an escaped tiger."

"Oh no!" cried the man. "An escaped tiger? How in the world did I miss those news reports?"

Yuuko held the phone away as she snickered. "Those tigers, they've got an iron grip on the media."

"And this was after they were both attacked by zombie gorillas?"

"Right," Yuuko grinned. They were so going to kill her when they got back.

"No wonder they've missed a week of school. Do you have any idea of when they'll be back from the hospital?"

Yuuko pursed her lips, knowing the man couldn't see it. "That depends entirely on them. If they can pull through and discover what they need to before it's too late, then yes, they should return."

The principal dabbed at his forehead nervously. Something about talking to this woman made him anxious. He also got the feeling that more was going on then he really knew about, but despite her hard to believe story, the man felt that asking what had really happened would be even more ludicrous.

"Ah, wonderful then, wonderful. I'll see them when I see them, I suppose. Thank you for calling, Watanuki is lucky to have such a caring and responsible employer."

"That he is," Yuuko exhaled, smoke swirling around. The principal shuddered, absolutely certain he shouldn't be able to hear a predatory grin but nevertheless found he could.

"One more thing before we hang up," Yuuko said, interrupting his thoughts.

"Y-yes?" He hadn't stuttered in years, not since therapy. What was going on?

"What is it you desire?"

* * *

"I can't believe she dropped you here without an explanation! That could have been very dangerous," exclaimed Maryanne. "I wonder what she was thinking."

Now that the pigs were closer to Watanuki and had been for the better part of their conversation, they were beginning to look like girls again. It was not a little eerie.

"I bet she wasn't," Watanuki muttered bad-temperedly. Why did Yuuko keep throwing obstacles in their path? Weren't the ears, tail, and horn bad enough on their own?

Right, this was Yuuko he was talking about. Of course they weren't.

"Don't say that, I'm sure she knows what she's doing," Maryanne replied.

"I doubt it, the unicorn's right. We'll never catch Frederick's eye like this." Susanna looked sullen.

"Frederick?" Doumeki questioned. Both girls turned bright red at the mention of his name and studiously avoided eye contact. "Is that the prince you wanted?"

"Wait, if Yuuko's the space time witch, then that means they might be from a different dimension, like Syaoran! So even if we don't have a Prince Frederick, they might."

Maryanne tugged on her hair self-consciously. "No, she told us we have to be in the same dimension as the unicorn, or else it doesn't work. Our Frederick's not a prince, he just has the same name as one. He's but a farmer who was good to us, yet since he wasn't born with a… generous countenance, no girl in our village wants to marry him."

"Though you must have a Prince Frederick, from the Hanover Court? It's not as if he isn't well known."

Doumeki started. "Prince Frederick of the Hanover Court? He's been dead for centuries, and your farmer as well, probably. Oh hell," he continued, coming to a realization he was pretty sure he didn't like. "You're already dead, aren't you?" Having half of Watanuki's eye had never sucked so much.

"How do you know that?" Watanuki asked.

"I pay attention in history class," Doumeki deadpanned.

Before Watanuki could do his customary dance of I-hate-you-please-die-from-the-awesome-sight-of-my-spaz-attack, the girls started screaming.

"You're wrong! You're wrong, you have to be!"

"Centuries? Dead? We're not! How can we be dead? Are you drunk? We're right here! We've only been here for…" Susanna trailed off, and all four of them came to a sudden realization.

"How long have we been here?" Watanuki didn't direct the question at a single person, and no one answered. "Shouldn't… shouldn't it have been night by now?"

"Where things go to become forgotten," Susanna muttered. "Forget the parts of yourself you dislike to recreate yourself, that's what she told us. Doesn't do much good if he died while we wasted time here though, does it!" she yelled at the sky, enraged. "I don't care if he's dead, we're at least getting what we came for!"

Watanuki frowned. "We're exactly where we started again?"

Maryanne shrugged. "Looks that way."

"Ah."

…

They all took off sprinting again.

* * *

Back at the table and mostly forgotten, the disc still hung in the air, playing the last strains of the song.

_Now I'll run from you  
This tainted love you've given  
I give you all a boy could give you  
Take my tears and that's not nearly all  
Oh...tainted love_

_

* * *

_

_So… Since your job with the piggies doesn't seem to get you much work, ever consider finding a new employer?_

* * *

"I need a bow," Doumeki huffed as he ran down yet another hill. Really, all this running was getting old. At least neither of them had tripped-

Spoke too soon.

Doumeki felt something tangle around his legs, nearly dragging him to the ground. He managed to catch himself, and searched near his feet for- a bow! Perfect! Too perfect, but who was he to look a gift horse in the mouth?

He took the correct stance, ready to shoot down the enslaving pigs until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Watanuki's hand. Doumeki cut down his initial response (_EEeee, he's touching me! Yay, he's willingly initiating contact! …Why do I have an inner preteen girl?_) and turned to look at the spirit bait. "I have to shoot them."

Watanuki's eyes widened. "What? No, they're not bad people, they're only doing this because they're in love!"

"Love is no excuse." Doumeki readied his weapon, only to realize he was missing one very important thing: targets. The girls were gone. Disappeared. Not currently present. If they had invisibility cloaks, they would be wearing them, because Doumeki was not seeing them.

Watanuki summed up both of their thoughts in his usual eloquent way. "Huh?"

Did they stop at the top of the hill? It was a blind spot for sure, and the hairs on the back of Doumeki's neck lifted at the thought of them watching the two of them right now.

That theory was harshly debunked in the next thirty seconds.

An ear-splitting scream erupted from the top or behind the hill, and goosebumps raised themselves along their flesh. What was going on?

Watanuki's face was determined. "We need to go back and make sure they're okay."

Doumeki was incredulous. "Good idea."

"Look, I know you don't like them, and they might have tried to kidnap me, but they're not malicious and hold on, you're saying I have a good idea?"

"…No."

"Eh! But you just said I did!"

"Yuuko was right. It _is_ fun messing with you." Of course this was a horribly inappropriate time to do it, but if it delayed Watanuki from doing something stupid for that much longer, Doumeki had no regrets.

Alas, Watanuki's rant was once again cut down in its prime.

* * *

_Hey guys, miss me? I was doing someone a favor- hey, just realized that Carlos wasn't with you last time I checked in. Any idea where he might have gone off to?_

_

* * *

_"What am I, his keeper?"

* * *

…_Anyone with even a smidgeon of knowledge of the Bible would be very worried right now, Doumeki._

_

* * *

_Doumeki raised an eyebrow of defiance. It was very defiant indeed.

"No, you most certainly are not my keeper, seňor Doumeki. Watanuki may have that position, if he so desires it. You, however, may have my revenge. I swear it on my honor as a Mexican!"

Everyone turned towards the voice. "Carlos!" Watanuki exclaimed, ignoring the lines about keepers and revenge. "You're alive! And… Mexican? Weren't you a Spaniard?"

Doumkei said nothing, but watched very, very carefully.

Carlos had come from the direction of the scream. The pig sisters did not follow.

* * *

Bit of a cliffie, but not really. So, I'm back. Ish. I feel like my writing style has changed, but I hope it's not too dramatic. Anyways, things are starting to heat up and get even more outlandish than they already were, so hope everyone's following along okay. I had no idea my OCs were going to play such a large role, but it makes sense if you drag two characters and stick them in an entirely different world. Yeah. Honestly, how did I not see that coming?

In case it wasn't obvious, I'm not in the habit of planning out my stories all that much. I'm trying to change that with this one though.

Songs, in order of appearance: Can You Feel the Love Tonight? by Elton John, The Little Things by Danny Elfman, Can't Take My Eyes Off You by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons, Closer by Nine Inch Nails, and Tainted Love by Soft Cell.

So, thoughts? Suggestions? Concerns? Plans for world domination? (Dibs on Japan).


End file.
